Hey there fellow hipsters trying to play by the cooler-than-cool code. This is a helpful guide to keep us on brand and appearing better than everyone else in the ‘lamestream’.
Here are your favorite games.
Favorite Zelda: Majora’s Mask and The Adventure of Link
These are the weirdest two in the franchise that still remain playable enough to build an argument for.
We used to ironically enjoy the CD-i version but people saw through that and threw rocks at us. Being stoned to death may be a quirky thing from the past, but it’s definitely not cool like suspenders or washboard percussion.
After the huge success of Ocarina of Time, the lamestream was expecting a traditional sequel. Boy were they ever pissed when they received Majora’s Mask. The time-limit, masks, and obsession with village life makes this the perfect alternative Zelda for us to love.
Adventure of Link used new assets, but was still an unexpected sequel to a very popular game. We say we like this because it’s ‘different’ and ‘actually challenging’. Say things like “well, of course YOU would like the first one, that’s predictable”, an eye-roll is appropriate.
Final Fantasy V
Most of us already know the SNES versions are far superior to sellouts like VII and X that focused too much on beautiful visuals and sound, but V takes the exclusivity one step further as it wasn’t released outside of Japan until the PSX era (note: use “PSX” whenever possible).
You can claim you played a translated ROM back in the ’90s when VII felt ‘over-exposed’. Even if you didn’t play it, don’t worry about being caught in a lie, no one else played it either.
We play System Shock every year
This is great because anytime people talk about shooters with RPG elements – which is 99% of them – we can point to this as the first one. We even scoff at those who prefer System Shock II.
Others will point to the clunky controls, UI, and outdated graphics as reasons they couldn’t go back and enjoy it, which makes our annual play-through even more impressive.
Forget rogue-likes, we only play Rogue
This will be a pain to emulate and get through, but the hipster points awarded are as infinite as the gameplay.
Rogue-likes and ‘lites’ have become uber-popular in the last several years, so it’s great to have this in the back pocket of our skinny jeans.
Be sure to learn all of the rogue-like hallmarks so you can quickly dismiss a new game as derivative drivel. Similar to only liking blues music from the ’30s, we say “why waste time with a rogue-like when you can have the real thing?”.
Then take a polaroid of their reaction of being schooled! (better take two in case the first one doesn’t turn out.)
Words to remember
Famicom instead of NES
Jumpman instead of Mario
‘looped a game’ instead of ‘beat’. Spanish people use this term and we think it sounds more intelligent than the war-like ‘beat’ used by mongloids
Aerith instead of Aeris – The Japanese version was meant to signify ‘Earth’ and was mistranslated from ‘earisu’. This is a great fact to whip out at parties